Bar Jokes

Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the dinow
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Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. Santa takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Santa takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from Santa. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says, “Hey mishter, tashte this!” Santa obliges…he promptly spits it out. “It tastes like piss,” Santa shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It ish. Now tell me how old am I ?”

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was there
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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? How’s it work?” “Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”

Wife: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the. Husband: Kya bataoon, sab galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost… 1 4
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Wife: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the. Husband: Kya bataoon, sab galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost… 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know wh;t
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Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out late drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed. Rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ....and She's ALWAYS Sound Asleep!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard com
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says.......... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and lohed
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitt
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Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number". Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, t
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' 'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, ' he explains. 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!' The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'