Funny Jokes

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Two Hats (Funny Jokes)
A beggar stood in front of a restaurant with a hat in each hand. A man passing by got curious and asked, "Why do you have two hats?" The beggar said, "Business is so good, I've opened a branch office."

Air rules (Funny Jokes)
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

A Natural Process (Funny Jokes)
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Small Sign (Funny Jokes)
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to this fair on the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I triedto read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!"

Nice Solution (Funny Jokes)
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

We are divorcing (Funny Jokes)
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

Change My Room (Funny Jokes)
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed. 'But sir,' said the clerk, 'you have the best room in the hotel.' 'I insist on another room!!' said the drunk. 'Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?', asked the clerk. 'Well, for one thing,' said the drunk, 'it's on fire.'

Poor Family (Funny Jokes)
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Signs of the Times (Funny Jokes)
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR-THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Are We Gettin' Old? (Funny Jokes)
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983... They are called "youth". They have never heard of "We are the World, we are the Children..." And the "Uptown Girl" they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. For them, there have always been only one Germany and only one Vietnam. AIDS exists since they were born. CDs exist since they were born. Michael Jackson is already whitened. John Travolta is always round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films out last year. They can never imagine a black and white screen for a computer. They don't know Pac-Man. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and they don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control. And they never understand how could we go out without a mobile phone when we were in university... Let's check if we're getting old... 1. You understand what was written above and you smile. 2. You need to sleep more, until afternoon, after a night out. 3. Your friends are getting married. 4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computer. 5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head. 6. You develop more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life. 7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily. 8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again and again all funny stories your experienced together. 9. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends. You think they will like it too...

Your Country (Funny Jokes)
Twists given to jfk's statements in different countries: India: Don't ask what your country can do for you. Just leave. USA: Don't ask what your country can do for you. You don't need to. China: Don't ask what your country can do for you. You will never get the answer. UK: Don't ask what your country can do for you. Ask USA. Pakistan: Don't ask what your country can do for you. You will be embarassed.

Food Can (Funny Jokes)
Once a mathematician, physist and a chemist were locked in different rooms and were each provided with a food can without an opener. After a day the lock of physist door was opened, He was sleeping after eating the can. On asking how he opened the can, He replied that he took out the weak point of can, pressed it and the can opened. Then chemists door was opened, he too was sleeping after eating the can. On being asked the same question, he replied that he had a few chemicals and he applied them on surface of can, reaction took place and the can was opened. Now, when mathematicians door was opened, he was saying "ASSUME THE CAN IS OPENED".

$ 100 for 2 Questions (Funny Jokes)
A rabbi was always teaching his followers to seek the answers in themselves. But the followers always came back expecting more answers from him. Finally he set up a booth with a sign: "Any Two Questions Answered for only $100.00" After some deliberation, one of his richest followers decided to go for it and brought two important questions. He paid the money and said to the rabbi as he paid him, "Isn't $100 rather costly for just two questions?" "Yes," said the Rabbi, "and what is your second question?"

The Perfect Pet (Funny Jokes)
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?" The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the problem?" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

Saucer (Funny Jokes)
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

4 All (Funny Jokes)
A Priest writes outside the church I pray 4 all. A doctor passing by writes I prescribe 4 all. A citizen passing by writes "I PAY 4 ALL DAMIT !"

My Daddy (Funny Jokes)
HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES At 4 Years My daddy is great. At 6 Years My daddy knows everybody. At 10 Years My daddy is good but is short tempered At 12 Years My daddy was very nice to me when I was young. At 14 Years My daddy is getting fastidious. At 16 Years My daddy is not in line with the current times. At 18 Years My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky. At 20 Years Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mother puts up with him. At 25 Years Daddy is objecting to everything. At 30 Years It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young. At 40 Years Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do the same. At 45 Years I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up. At 50 Years My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son. At 55 Years My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique. At 60 Years My daddy is great. Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the first stage.

Just for you... with love (Funny Jokes)
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. After you, my love, my only prize Would be a bullet between my eyes Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space I saw your face as you walked by but then I saw a better guy My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt, If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime

Opinion Survey (Funny Jokes)
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure. In Africa they did not know what "food" meant. In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant. In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant. In South America they did not know what "please" meant. In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant. Down under they did not know anything except sheep. And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Simple Life! (Funny Jokes)
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life. No effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner - a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then ... " The old geezer was suddenly interrupted by the sarcastic stranger in the corner, "Excuse me, sir, but what were you in prison for??"